Rosemond: Session 2

Ecclesiastes 3:1 Says that there is a time for everything and everything has its season (paraphrase). Well, parenting is no different. Just as the older generations understood, there are three basic seasons to parenting.

The first season in active parenting is the Service years. They start when the child is born, and lasts for about two years. These are the years when everything in the household "orbits" around the child. Mom tends to be the one most involved here for obvious biological reasons and dad tends to take a less important roll in the child's life. Towards the second birthday though, the child comes to expect this stage to continue on forever, that mother is placed here in this world to serve the needs of the child. What most refer to temper tantrums are the product of the child's expectations being blocked and the loss of the power that they thought they had over the other people and objects in his or her world. However, the mother is well aware that the early stage is not going to continue on forever, as other pursuits and responsibilities in life are calling, and mom must initiate a stop to this service phase.

Mom and child then enter into what is a period of transition time. This period lasts about a year, and often sees an increase in the temper tantrums before they start to get better. It is at this time that fathers tend to come back into the picture. Children sometimes resist this though, being that they are less adept to manipulate the father as they are the mother in which they have had more practice.

Upon the child turning three, the second season of parenthood begins. This season, known as the Discipleship period, lasts from about 3 years old till the early preteen years. During this time, the mom and the dad are responsible for providing strong leadership and authority. In today's culture, the idea of leadership and authority in the family is being undermined by the idea that the parent should become the best friend.

This leads to two different methods being employed to try and produce responsible children, both of which do not work as well as theorized. The first one is behavior management. Behavior management or modification, is the belief that if a parent says no several times to a particular request, that the child will no longer desire to choose that choice or if one reinforces a good choice enough that the child will always chose the right choice. The theory was originally developed by using rats and dogs (most of us heard about it in school.... remember the guys Pavlov and Skinner?). The issue though is that the rats and dogs that were used in the development of Behavior modification theory responded to the negative influence and no longer decided to take the "bad" option. Human minds, however, are not like those of the other animals around us. We have what we call the sin nature, or as some like to call it, the rebellious nature. We will intentionally chose an option just to prove to ourselves and others that so and so is not the boss of me, etc.

The second theory or method, is to increase the child's self esteem so that they feel good about themselves and therefore want to chose the "right" option. In the olden days that was called "being to big for your britches". The bible, in fact, denounces the idea of large britches as well (just look in any concordance for multiple passages, one being Matthew 23:12.). Today's culture though, says that so and so had too little self-esteem and that is what caused them to go out and do such horrible things (example school shootings). Reality though is that high self-esteem is a bad thing, culture in fact relies upon the humble and modest individuals. If you really stop to think about it, which do you think is better: a friend, boss, coworker, etc that is humble and modest, excuses you for the little personality quirks that we all have, or someone who thinks they are the center of the universe and if it isn't their way then it isn't correct? Personally I would chose the individual who was humble and modest any day, and I think you would too. So how did we as a society decide that it was good to think of ourselves and better than those around us? In fact studies have shown that people with high self esteem tend to take higher risk when making decisions and don't fully weigh the consequences of their actions, or have much respect for how they affect the other people around them.

So if these two methods do not produce the properly behaved children that they theoretically should have, what will? Well, the past generations knew that it was strong parental leadership in the home. Leadership is by definition a measure of how well a person has the capacity or ability to lead and provide guidance to a group of people. In other words, each parent must know that they are the only ones that God has given to raise this child and provide the guidance that the child needs to go through life. Once that is truly realized, then the parent will be able to say, "I am not here to make you (child) happy. I know what is best for you." This too will lead to a sense of calm and peace in the home since the parents no longer need to gain the approval of the child, or take them nearly as seriously as a parent trying to be the child's friend.

So what do we do when the child does act out or goes against the leadership of the parents? Well, in most cases, if there is the strong leadership in the home, there will be no pleading, bargaining, or begging on the part of the parent. The parental leader simply must state what is to be done directly to the child. Simply say it once. If the desired action is not produced by the clear statement as to what is expected, then this is where the consequences become important. Children have memories, and they know that if they did not pick up their toys in the morning that the consequence mom hands down in the afternoon is fair and just (age appropriateness here applies.) Simply reinforce the correct behavior as needed and make sure that the consequences is ALWAYS bigger than the crime. (If the consequences simply fit the crime then there is no or little incentive to not repeat the crime later.)

By the end of this stage, usually around the age of 13, the child should have some level of an internalized set of leadership mentality, which will lead them through life, as life is being subject to one's own leadership as well as being under the leadership of the government systems, work systems, and family systems that the future holds.

So around thirteen, the stages of parenting changes yet again, this time into a mentoring stage. Here is where the parents allow the children to use their own internalized leadership to test the waters around them, BEFORE they leave the house through college, marriage, or whatnot.

The fourth and last stage, is one that tends not to get as much attention, simply because this is a stage where all parenting is hands off, but the parents are still involved in the lives of their children; through regular updates and helping in the physical sense with the upbringing of their grandchildren. The original parents then morph into the resource in which the new parenting generation relies on for accurate parenting help as they try and raise their children. (As alluded to in the first session though, if one generation decided to ignore the wisdom of the previous generation, the system tends to fall apart.)

According to John Rosemond, where most parents tend to do a parenting misstep is between stage one and stage two, three things must happen in order for the transition to take place and move the child into a place of discipleship.

First, mom has to stop doing everything that the child requests at the moment that the child requests it. An air of casualness must start between the mother and the child so that the mother has the right not to take the child's misbehavior and other antics too seriously. Without that ability, the power struggle between mom and the child will only worsen.

Second, mom must start building boundaries as to how far things will be allowed to go, and how much access the child will have of her time and energy. In today's culture, mom's have been given very little approval for setting these boundaries and are expected to be involved in all aspects of the child's life from sports to homework. If they as a parent decide that they don't want to be so actively involved, then they are told how they are "depriving" their children. However, this limit of access helps to build respect for the mom and all other women that the child will encounter in life. They begin to learn early on that they must respect the boundaries (aka rules) in the home, at school and in life in general. Besides, what harm is done by limiting the access?? In the years past, the most common example of this was to send the child outside to play. Usually the neighborhood kids would then all band up together (since they all would have been thrown out of the house for the hour) and start a game of baseball or what not. They would learn how to negotiate the teams and how to abide by the rules. In amongst themselves they would learn all the problem solving skills that nowadays the well meaning involved adults have taken over. So why have we as parents taken on this high level of involvement??? Often cause mainstream media and "parenting magazines" have guilted us into it. If we aren't more involved then we already are, then we are not being responsible parents. In short, our generation of moms are being scared into more involvement by the articles in the parenting magazines and by the news reports that claim if you are not more involved in all of your child's activities then something terrible will happen to your child.

Thirdly, we have to regain the sense of balance in the parental relationship. We have to reaffirm in the child's eyes that the relationship between mother and father can and does exist far beyond the realm of the child. Without this, there is a constant fear in the child that there is a potential catastrophe waiting right around the corner where mom and dad will go their separate ways and leave them all alone. A child doesn't have to learn that it is always an option (divorce) in this day and age, our culture provides the opportunity to see it everywhere they turn. It is the strong relationship that goes against the culture and provides security for the child that is a rare gem to find.

If these three things don't happen, which can only be started by the mother or primary caregiver, then the start of stage 2 is delayed, which then delays all the other stages down the road. (Maybe that is why there are still children in their thirties living at home today. But I digress.) If the mother doesn't initiate the process, and stays stuck in stage one, the fathers tend to compensate for the lack of active role in child rearing by becoming the child's best friend and sympathizing with the child against the mother. All around though, it really is best to move through the designed stages of parenting.


Thus concludes the afternoon session.